First Love
by Mrs Jacen Solo
Summary: Song First Love by Utada Hikaru.  I wrote this a while ago and just decided to put it up. Kind of sad. and I'm going to change the end at some point


I don't own any characters only the plot line.

The song is "First Love" by Utada hikaru

Enjoy!

Heartache

You know how you feel on the saddest day of your life: alone, abandoned, empty. That's how James Potter felt today. Lily Evans, girlfriend of six months, had broken up with him. She had taken his heart and ripped it out of his chest, leaving him with that hollow feeling of emptiness.

The worst part about it was- that he didn't even know what he did that had caused her to break him so badly. She had vaguely said that it wasn't him- it was her. A bit clichéd don't you think?

He could see that it was hurting her as badly as it was him. She no longer walked to class with that jump in her step or smile flashing brilliantly across her face whenever a teacher congratulates her on a job well done.

She walked to class with her had down, she didn't answer questions in class, and she seemed to have isolated herself from her friends.

This should have comforted him that it wasn't just him that she was avoiding but her friends as well, but it didn't. In fact, it made it worse. Lily Evans was caving in. Falling deeper everyday. Falling to a place where her friends could not reach her.

Not even James. But he had to try. He loved her.

_Once in a while_

_You are in my dreams_

_I think about the days that we had_

_And I __dream that these would all come back to me_

Lily Evans walked to class with her head down, eyes set on the floor but not really seeing it.

She had just done the unthinkable. She had broken up with James Potter. The one boy in the entire school that everyone (girls) wanted. She had known, possibly always known that James loved her and only her for a very long time, despite the futile attempts from other girls to gain his lust.

Lily had been very reluctant at first to admit to James that he meant just as much to her as she did to him but she couldn't say it. The stubbornness of the Evans had not fallen too far from the tree. She remembered how long it took her and her sister, Petunia, to convince their father that they needed an air conditioner. Nearly all summer, by then, they no longer needed an air conditioner.

She couldn't even muster up a small smile at the happy memory. That's all it was- a memory.

She felt horrible about hurting James but it was necessary. James wouldn't understand if she told him the real reason she broke up with him. He would tell her that he wouldn't ever let anything happen to her and that everything was going to be okay. But Lily knew better. Everything wasn't going to be okay. That much she was sure of.

_If only you knew _

_Every moment in time_

_Nothing goes on in my heart_

_Just like your memories _

_How I want to be here with you_

_Once more…_

"Lily!"

She heard her name but didn't respond. It didn't matter. Nothing did.

Hard steps could be heard coming up behind her then the sound of painting breaths. "Lily why won't you talk to me? What's wrong?"

Lily didn't stop or even acknowledge her best friend's presence. She walked down the corridor in very much the same fashion she had been doing for a few days now.

"Lily? Why is James so upset?" Allana wasn't talking a hint, "I saw him out by the Lake but I was afraid to go up to him. He looked so sad. Did you two break up or something."

Lily didn't reply.

Allana gasped. "You did!" She grabbed Lily's arm and forced her to stop and turned her to face her. "Why?"

Lily didn't look up, not once. She continued her non-examination of the floor but spoke, "I…" She cringed as the image of James's face came into her mind. The way he looked when she told him they were done. Heartbroken and very much in pain. "I.. just…. Couldn't" Lily let herself trail off there.

They were silent for a moment, then, "You know we'll have to talk about this." Allana let go of her arm. "Soon."

Lily didn't want to talk about it. Why couldn't Allana understand that? She yanked her arm free, very forcefully, and snapped her furious green eyes at her. "I don't want to talk about it!"

Allana took a careful step back, sensing the anger in her voice. Lily glared angrily at her until she backed off and followed her until she reached her next class. Once Allana was out of sight she let her eyes fall back to the ground.

It had hurt her just as much to yell at Allana then it did when she broke up with James.

At least they will be safe. She kept telling herself.

_You were always __gonna__ be the one_

_And you should know_

_How I wish I could have never let you go_

_Come into my life again_

_Please don't say no_

James was seated in his usual spot in the back of the potions classroom next to his best friends Sirius, Remus, and Peter. He usually hated potions- mainly because he wasn't good at it- but today he had been looking forward to it the most.

This was his first class with Lily since she had broken up with him and he planned on getting answers after class even if it meant holding her after and being late to transfiguration and detention. All of it was meaningless compared to finding out the truth.

He watched as students filed into the room, (tripping a smart alec Slytherin) waiting for Lily so he could secretly hand her the note with his plea for answers. He was going for the peaceful way first, if that didn't work, holding her after class was plan b.

He saw Allana, Lily's best friend, come in with a strange expression on her face but no Lily. The late bell rang and still no Lily. He watched Allana sit next to the vacant seat in the first row where Lily always sat and frown down at the repulsive chair.

Since Lily was no where to be found, he would just have to question Allana. He could tell that something was wrong with her too. Maybe she could give him some little hit as to what was wrong with his Lily.

The class was required to separate into their lab groups and work on the elixir of good health and James sighed since his partner was Lily and he was hopelessly incapable of making the simplest potion by himself.

He decided that this would be the prime time to interrogate Allana about Lily's strange behavior.

He took his book and positioned himself as close to Allana and her partner, Erica's, table. He leaned back in his chair and rested his elbow on her desk, making it impossible for her to lay out all her supplies. "What's wrong with Lily?" He wasted no time with pleasantries.

Allana frowned at him and sighed. "I don't know. I tried talking to her before class but she was completely spaced out. I mean, she didn't even seem to know what she was doing. Just walking."

James nodded. "So I take it you have know idea what's wrong with her."

She flashed him an annoyed look. "Exactly."

_You were always __gonna__ be the one in my life_

_So true I believe I could never have found _

_Somebody like you_

_My first love_

Lily had decided against going to class. I would be too much to bare having Allana next to her and James's sad eyes looking at nothing but the back of her head.

It all hurt, but nothing in comparison to what had happened on the last day of summer vacation. As the memory came back to her she felt her heart fall, and with it, her whole body. She fell to the ground in a slump. A crying mass of tangled red hair.

She didn't know how long she lay there, crying, she must have fallen asleep at some point because when she opened her eyes, she was lying on a hospital wing cot.

She could hear the nurse fumbling around in a cupboard, but she didn't feel like talking to anyone, so she didn't make any noise that could alert the nurse of her arousal.

She closed her eyes and tried to forget what had happened to her in the past month.

_Once in a while you are in my dreams_

_I can feel the warmth of your embrace_

_And I pray that it will all come back to me_

It turned out that no one knew what was wrong with her. All day James would hide behind statues or tapestries and jump out and quickly ask "What's wrong with Lily?" to random students, hoping one of them would know and he could scare it out of them.

It was fruitless. But since he couldn't seem to find Lily anywhere, this was his only other option.

It was during one of these instances that James found himself crushed behind a knight and he heard the sound of approaching footsteps. When they seemed to have gotten close enough, James leaped out and shouted, "What is wrong with Lily?!" He immediately shut up when he saw who it was.

Professor Dumbledore smiled down at him through half- moon spectacles. "James, I had a feeling I would find you hiding amongst the decorations of this school."

"Yes sir." James said, but he wasn't scared. He had been sent to Dumbledore's office enough time by now that he and the headmaster were on good terms. "I only was wondering about Lily."

"Of course." Dumbledore said. "Follow me. First I must tell you something."

James was curious so he followed, not that he had a choice, matching Dumbledore's long strides with difficultly. James was tall but Dumbledore was nearly half giant!

James followed him all the way into his office and sat down in the seat Dumbledore indicated. "Sir, do you know something about Lily?"

The headmaster sighed, "James, you must understand, that you mustn't take anything Lily says or does personally. She is having a hard enough time as it is without you blaming her for anything."

James looked back at him appalled. "Sir, I never blamed Lily for anything-"

Dumbledore raised a hand to silence him. "I know, I just want you to know. Miss. Evans needs all the support she can get right now."

"Why? What happened to her?"

"Patience, I'm getting there." Dumbledore continued. "On the date of August 31st Richard and Marine Evans were brutally murdered and their bodies were horribly mutilated."

_Mr. & Mrs. Evans! _James was in shock. "Lily's parents are dead?"

Dumbledore nodded. "Yes. By Voldemort."

Things started to fall into place in James's head but one thing was still left unanswered. "Why didn't Lily tell me?"

Dumbledore seemed to hesitate, than answered, "She didn't want you to get hurt."

"WHAT!" James jumped out of his seat. "She broke up with me to protect me! That makes no sense."

Dumbledore raised his hand again. "Honestly James, if she did tell you what would you have done?"

"Easy." James crossed his arms, and refused to sit back down. "I'd go after this bastard, Voldemort and kill him so bad, he… he… was gonna wish I didn't kill him so bad!"

"And that's why she didn't tell you." Dumbledore said sadly. "Because she knew you would react this way and she knew that it would ultimately end in your demise."

Understanding hit James like a brick. "Oh." He was silent for a minute. "Can I see her?"

Dumbledore nodded, "She's in the hospital wing." And at the look of alarm on James's face he quickly added, "She merely fainted in the hall. She'll be fine."

This wasn't enough to convince James. He had to see her.

He nodded his thanks to Dumbledore and walked out of the office, down the spiral staircase and towards the hospital wing.

_If only you knew every moment and time_

_Nothing goes on in my heart_

_Just like your memories _

_All I want is to be here with you _

_Once more…_

Lily was staring off into the unknown when she heard James come through the door. She closed her eyes and prepared herself for the talk she knew would come but dreaded. James didn't say anything, just walked up and took the single seat beside her bed.

Lily opened her eyes and looked longingly at James. He looked back at her with eyes that surprised her. She assumed that he would storm in here, angry, and demand that she give him an explanation. And she would have given him one, because he deserved it. Instead, she saw pain, sorrow, and regret, but they didn't seem to be for him. He was feeling all those things for her. She realized that Professor Dumbledore must have told him.

She held his gaze until waiting for him to start with the waterworks, but they never came. He continued to stare at her. He was waiting for her to start. She didn't deserve him, he was more then anyone could ask for.

Finally she couldn't take the tension any longer, "I'm sorry." She whispered.

He took her hand, that was lying limp on the bed sheets, and raised it up to his face. 'Don't be sorry. I understand. I talked to Dumbledore."

Lily nodded half-heartedly. "My parents…"

"Shhh.." He shushed her. "We don't have to talk about that, lets just focus on what we still have."

She glared at him. "Yeah, what's that?" there was no mistaking the venom in her voice.

"Each other." He smiled at her and her scowl was replaced with a sad frown.

"But for how much longer?" Lily closed her eyes again. "How much time do we have before he comes after you too?"

"Don't worry about that Lily, It's not important." He began caressing her cold hand. "What is important is that you understand that you are not alone. You have friends. You have me. You will always have me."

_You will always be inside my heart _

_And you should know_

_How I wish I could have never let you go_

_Come into my life again_

_Please don't say no_

"One thing still remains." James said softly in Lily's ear. He had stayed with her all night even through her desperate pleas for him to get a good nights rest in his own bed.

"What's that?" Lily asked just as softly.

James chuckled. "Will you go out with me again?" He looked up at her with sincere eyes.

Lily couldn't help but laugh a little back at him. "Of course I will."

He smiled and wrapped her up in a tight embrace, kissing her forehead twice for good measure.

She laughed harder into his shoulder enjoying every moment she had with him before the inevitable war would arise and possibly claim them.

But that was the future. This was now.

_Now and forever you are still the one_

_In my heart _

_So true, I believe I could never have found _

_Someone like you _

_My first love…_

You know how you feel on the happiest day of your life: lively, energetic, loved. That's how Lily Evans, from now on Lily Potter, felt today. It was her wedding day and all her friends were with her. As she walked down the isle, arm in arm with Remus, since he had gracefully accepted the task of giving her away, Lily stared up into the eyes of her James. Next to James was Sirius, who was sobbing so hard into his hanky that Lily figured that he would eventually have to be escorted out.

Allana stood next to her at the alter. Her maid of honor and gave her a proud smile and winked.

She smiled back and looked to her right at her groom. James smiled and she could feel that he was just as happy as she was.

After the traditional kiss, James and Lily Potter walked back down the isle to the sound of cheers and sobs from Sirius.

As she walked down the isle, Lily held her head up high. And if this day could get any better, she saw her sister looking at her with a little less hate then the last time she had seen her. Lily didn't care, just the fact that she came was all that mattered.

She looked back at James and knew that this is what she wanted, this is how she wanted to spend the rest of her life, this is the man she would stay with forever.

Till death do them part…..

_Now and forever_

Tell me baby, What'cha thinkin'? (say that like you were listening to that Red hot Chili Peppers song)


End file.
